Opening my Mask

Have you ever heard of the clothesline project? Right after my divorce before I had started therapy I was at work. I worked at a residential facility for teenage girls. They were there for a number of reasons. Many of them had been abused in some way. I went into work for the day and I found out we were headed to the Clothesline Project at UVSC (now UVU.) I didn’t know what it was and away we went. As you walk in you are told that the different colors of shirts represent survivors of different kinds of abuse. Anyone who has been in an abusive situation could pick up a shirt, write what they want and add it to the shirts that were already there. I was walking through with the girls and was so moved by the stories, words and power written on these shirts. Several of the girls I was working with had picked up shirts and started to write on them. Then it hit me like a truck. I had a story. I was one of the people who could write on a shirt. With tears running down my cheeks I pick...

My therapist felt like it would be a good idea for me to look into medication. I had dealt with depression on and off for years. I had never been on medication. I was not sure that I wanted to go on medication. I had a whole host of reasons that I shouldn’t need to. I should be able to handle this I should be able to exercise to make it better I should be able to do this myself God would never give me something I can’t handle. I was “shoulding” all over myself. I was really struggling with all of this. Then two things happened. I came to the understanding that God does give us hard things and sometimes hard things just happen because we are human. And he doesn’t expect us not to get help. He expects us to use the resources available. And second I had a conversation with my older brother. He asked me if I had high blood pressure would I be willing to go on blood pressure medication. I answered of course. Then he said “then why wouldn’t you go on medication if it would h...

My divorce was finalized on February 7th. It was like a weight had been lifted. I actually even went out with co workers and had a celebration dinner that it was all done. I really surprised the waitress when she asked if we were celebrating and I answered, YES a divorce! In July I received a phone call telling me that my ex was going to be getting married and the church leader in his area wanted to know if he had any financial obligations to me. I was shocked How could he be getting married? All of a sudden I found myself crying. Why in the world was I crying? It wasn’t like I wanted to be married to him. And yet here I was crying. I called my dad. Before he had married my mom my dad had been divorced. So I figured he would be a good person to talk to. And he’s my dad. I told him I had just found out my ex was getting married and said, Why am I crying?!? My dad was so kind and patient. He let me know it was ok and it was just because he was moving on. And even though I d...

I started with an amazing therapist. It was easy to go in and start talking. I can easily talk about everything that has happened in life and detach from the emotion. Not always a good thing. I told her that I was definitely suffering from depression. Again - I was educated and working in the field of social work. On the second session she sent me home with some paperwork. She wanted me to take an anxiety scale and a depression scale. I went home and sat at the table. I decided that I would do the depression scale first because I knew I had depression. I wasn’t sure why she wanted me to do the anxiety scale. I told myself that I would be brutally honest with my answers. At the end of the depression questionnaire I added up all the points. I was shocked! I knew I had depression but how was it possible that I would score as having SEVERE DEPRESSION! This was not possible. I got up every day, I went to work, I participated in things. How could I possibly have severe depression. Then...

What happens when your mom dies and you go through a divorce at the same time..... After not telling my father anything about what was going on I asked him if I could ever move back home. He told me no. A few months later I told him all that was going on in my home. My dad is the best. He helped me attempt at making some changes in my marriage. After months of this I moved back into my parents house on Dec 9th many years ago. I remember the date. I moved home and told my husband that I didn't want us to be over. I wanted to restart. That I knew I had changed the rules of our marriage. There were many things that I had been okay with that I no longer was willing to have happen. Because I wanted things different, I wanted us to try and start over. This was completely my intention when I moved back to my parents house that December day. My mom had MS for a number of years. The last two years of her life she was on IV morphine for the pain and so had a port. In November the port ...

Opening my mask. What in the world does that even mean? And if it means letting people see more of me why in the world would I want to do that?  Many years ago I was married to my first husband. I lived in a cute little neighborhood in Spanish Fork Utah. My marriage was not easy and was not good. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We have a group called Young women for when we are between the ages of 12 and 18. I went to this group all of those years. We learned many things and I absolutely loved it. I remember waking up one morning during my marriage and thinking, All of my young women leaders lied to me. They had all made marriage seem magical. And maybe some of theirs were pretty fantastic. Mine was not. I started to feel like something was wrong with me because it was SO hard. I continued to go to church and wear my mask. I would say things are good when people would ask. I smiled and never told people how hard things were. I was in a marriage that w...