Life

So life kind of exploded around me. I tried to write everything in chronological order and that just made me not write. So today I am going to write. I am going to write about what is on my mind and my heart. I will get back to the other stuff, or maybe I won't. Though I am pretty sure at some point it will come out otherwise my bit of crazy may not always make since. 

I am currently reading a book my friend Molly recommended to me. It is Untamed,  It is amazing! I am not even done with the book. I was crying by page four because this book spoke to my soul. It is taking me a while to read because it is also causing me to process, think, exam and reevaluate many things. 

Now I am feeling very unsettled. 

Where do I fit?

If I am true to me. Really true to me. Not forcing myself to fit, or making myself less, than where do I fit?

I have many roles that I play.

Wife
Mother
Friend
Homeschool mom
Employee
Teacher
Spiritual guider to my children

I work two jobs, am married to a non neurotypical spouse, have 4 children, one of whom we share with her mom, am choosing to homeschool, am choosing to figure out distance learning with one child, am choosing to send one child to preschool, trying to survive this thing called COVID-19.

Many days I feel like a hot mess. 

I have a very big, large personality. I have watched people physically withdraw from me due to my intensity. Not because I am angry, just my energy is a lot. 

My therapist told my husband that I have big emotions and that the good news is that I do ALL of them big. I love big, I forgive big, I accept big. 

So with my big personality where do I fit?

I remember watching Grey's Anatomy one time. There was an opera singer who was having problems with his voice. They were going to have to do surgery and he asks them to PLEASE save his voice. He said I am big. I am big physically, emotionally and I can be me on the stage (or something close to that.) 

So how in this world am I suppose to fit?
Where do I fit?
Who can I be all of me with?
Where can I go that I don't have to apologize for who I am?

I don't know the answers yet. I do know that I will figure it out. And in the meantime......

I will cry
I will feel out of sorts
I will feel like I don't fit
I will exam

and in the end

I will know who I am, What I want and Where I fit. 

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