Why am I crying?!?

My divorce was finalized on February 7th. It was like a weight had been lifted. I actually even went out with co workers and had a celebration dinner that it was all done. I really surprised the waitress when she asked if we were celebrating and I answered, YES a divorce!

In July I received a phone call telling me that my ex was going to be getting married and the church leader in his area wanted to know if he had any financial obligations to me.

I was shocked

How could he be getting married?

All of a sudden I found myself crying. Why in the world was I crying? It wasn’t like I wanted to be married to him. And yet here I was crying.

I called my dad. Before he had married my mom my dad had been divorced. So I figured he would be a good person to talk to. And he’s my dad.

I told him I had just found out my ex was getting married and said, Why am I crying?!?

My dad was so kind and patient. He let me know it was ok and it was just because he was moving on. And even though I didn’t want to be with him it was still hard to have him move on.

I sat and talked and cried with my dad. My mask was open. I told him it wasn’t fair that I still felt soooo broken from this marriage and this man and he was moving on. It wasn’t fair I was struggling with depression and anxiety and he was getting married. I cried.....hard.

I look back and see that my mask was open. I was struggling and I was asking for help. I was learning how to change thought patterns and behaviors. I actual reached out!

His mask was closed. He was pretending. He may have been moving on physically I was moving on emotionally.

Opening my mask was not easy. It hurt. It was sometimes embarrassing to let people see where I really was emotionally.

I was a strong, independent woman and I felt broken.

Why was I crying??

Because I was sad

Because I was hurt

Because I was opening my mask

Because I was healing

Because I was being real

Because I was honoring me

And it was ok

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